More Funny OnelinersI want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
I often say to myself: "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"
I used to be indecisive but now am not so sure any more.
One of these days I'm going to do something about my procrastination.
Have you ever got half way through eating a horse and thought, I'm not nearly as hungry as I thought I was? They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them.
Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
My waitress asked me: "You want a box for that?" I said: "No but I'll wreslte you for it."
Dwarves and Midgets have very little in common.
And the Lord said unto John, "come forth and ye shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth and just won a toaster.
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
I was wondering why does a baseball appear larger the closer it gets.... then it hit me.
There was a snowman massacre here last winter, now it's a carrot patch.
I had a dream I was Chinese but, when I woke up, I was disoriented.
A daughter walks up to her dad and asks if she can go to a 50 Cent concert; the dad hands her a dollar and says, "sure, and you can take your brother too".
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
What is the main benefit of raising your children in a neighborhood with sidewalks?
It keeps them off the streets.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
"A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame."
Please stop making fun of fat people! They already have too much on their plate!
It's difficult to say what my wife does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
Hey does this smell like chloroform to you?
I submitted ten puns to a pun contest in hopes that one would win, but no pun in ten did.
Girls with lisps are thick and tired of being made fun of.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? For drizzle my nizzle.
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
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